theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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