Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
