pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
did i just pee glitter
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
