do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
