I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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