I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
