Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
