i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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