Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
