The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
