I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
