Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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