on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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