i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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