life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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