I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
