I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
