I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
