my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
