im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
