I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
