I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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