did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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