I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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