Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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