you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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