I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
