He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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