Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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