I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
