does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
