Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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