I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"