He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
