...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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