id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
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I lost the right to judge tonight
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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