Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
