I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
