i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
