I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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