Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
