I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
