R you on birth control?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..