Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am midnight drunk by noon
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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