Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
false alarm. still invincible.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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