I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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