his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
