I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
