people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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