Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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