No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
