I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
