i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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