There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome