Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
