seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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